


And I Need You Now Tonight (BTR Angst)

by orphan_account



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, M/M, Murder-Suicide, Self Harm, So does James, carlos needs a damn hug, it gets fluffy at the end, james is traumatized, logan gets his neck snapped by a puppy, logan’s an alcoholic, logan’s an asshole, they all fucking die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22636819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Some angsty BTR bullshit that reading back on, I’ve become less confident about it
Relationships: Carlos Garcia/Logan Mitchell (Big Time Rush), James Diamond/Kendall Knight
Kudos: 11





	And I Need You Now Tonight (BTR Angst)

"He's right next to me, why can't you see him?!"

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"You know, I think your hair is perfect the way it is." Kendall says, playing with James's brown locks.

James shooed his hand away. "Fucking quit, I have stuff to do." He smoothed his hair back over with his lucky comb.

"James!" Carlos shouted from the kitchen. "It's almost 4, take your meds please!"

The tall male groaned, loathing the thought of choking down the little array of colored pills his doctor prescribed him.

"You can not take them.." Kendall suggested. "They don't do anything anyways."

"As much as you like breaking rules, I kinda need those drugs." James went to grab the knob of his door put felt something- someone grab his arm. He stumbled away from his bedroom door, sighing in annoyance.

"Just skip em for once, no one will notice." The blonde continued, gripping his arm tightly. "You're fine."

"Kendall I can't-"

The door creaked open, Carlos peering his head in like a shy cat. James didn't seem to notice and continued his conversation.

"The medication makes you act funny," Kendall pleaded, still clinging to the teen. "Please don't." He sounded almost scared.

James pulled him close, running his hands through the fluffy whisp that was the blonde's hair. "It's okay baby, I'll be fine-"

Suddenly Kendall heard something. Or someone. He got out of James's grasp and quickly ran into the closet.

"James?"

The brunette looked over, the Latino looking like he had just seen a damn ghost.

"Yeah Carlos?"

"Who were you talking to?"

James scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Kendall, duh.." 

Carlos sighed. "James, Kendall's-" He stopped, feeling the taller male's eyes on him. The brunette wasn't even staring at him. His eyes were glassy as he stared off.

Disassociating once again.

Most of James's problems were manly due to trauma. After what happened on the tour bus, he was never really the same. He'd stare off for hours, sometimes even days. He wasn't as bubbly as he was before. Instead of the usual talkative, out-going James Diamond that everyone was used to, he became more quiet. He didn't interact with anyone he didn't have to and just..

Shut down..

James started to pick at the scabbed over cuts on his wrist, something he'd do without realizing it. His sharp nails dug into the wound, reopening it. Blood slowly trickled down his arm and staining the sleeve of his shirt. He just dug deeper. And deeper. 

Carlos ran over and moved his hand away, seeing the sticky blood smear slightly. It stained his finger tips as he tried to clean it off. 

"Damn it James!" He squeaked, James snapping out of his trance. He looked at Carlos but the shorter male was too busy cleaning up his mess to look back.

"These damn cuts won't heal if you keep picking at them! You didn't re-wrap them either!" The Latino raised his voice slightly, making James flinch against his touch. 

Carlos pulled him into the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet while he looked for the first aid kit.

"Why don't you listen to me?" He continued on. "I'm know I have to keep an eye on you and take care of you but you could make a damn effort to do what I said." He grabbed the rubbing alcohol and a rag.

James squirmed at the sight. He hated the stingy feeling it left on his wounds, it intensified everytime Carlos rewrapped his cuts. He was never too gentle about it either.

"Put your arm out James." The Latino said sternly. James shook his head and held his arm close to his chest.

"James put out your arm!" Carlos repeated, louder and more angryily. 

The brunette curled up in a ball and covered his ears due to the yelling but still shook his head. 

James became unresponsive if anyone started yelling at him. He didn't like loud noises, plus he was kinda sensitive. If he wasn't being a total pain while you were yelling at him, he cried instead. Again he wasn't always like that, but trauma did things to people.

Carlos had just about had it. The raven haired male grabbed his wrist and forcefully held his arm out, James yelled in protest and tried to pull away.

"JAMES QUIT! JUST LET ME-"

Before either of them could stop it, James yanked Carlos forward, causing them to fall ontop of each other. They both tumbled over into the tub, Carlos caught his arm on Logan's razor and cut open his arm. James hit his head against the edge of tub and knocked himself out.

He must've hit his head really hard. When James woke up he was in his bed, clean bandages around his arms and his head. The lights were off, so he couldn't see much. Except for Kendall, he was peering through the door, watching whatever was going on in the living room.

The blonde looked over at the bed when he heard James groan out in pain. He walked over to the bed and sat down. His whispy blonde hair was actually brushed today.

"Hey." He spoke softly, his voice sounded tired but the rest of him seem fully awake.

James smiled at him. "Hey." He groaned lowly. "Fuck.." His head was pounding like crazy.

Kendall kissed the top of his head. "You had a bit of an incident in the bathroom." His green orbs flickered brightly in the dark room. 

James heard Logan's voice out in the living room. It sounded stern, angry, like he was arguing with someone.

"What's going on out there?" He asked, sleep still present in his voice. He was tired but he didn't take his meds so sleep was the last thing on his mind.

"Logan and Carlos are talking.." Kendall hesitated for a moment, not finishing the sentence. James gave him a puzzled look, wondering why he trailed off. 

He decided to get up and check it out himself. When Kendall didn't tell him something, that was that. Obviously you didn't need to know if he wasn't willing to tell you.

He stood infront of the door, opening it a bit more. He did better with visuals.

"Carlos this isn't the first time you've gotten injured due to him not wanting to listen." Logan said, taking a swig of what looked like some wine. 

Logan had picked up a rather nasty drinking problem after the tour bus. It wasn't as bad as it was at first, still from time to time he'd loose control. One night on Carlos's birthday, he waltzed in at 2 am barely able to stand. Carlos called him out on it and it resulted in a fight that left a few bruises. 

"You can't just expect me to just let you do this. I doubt it's for my damn safety Logan." Carlos retorted, crossing his arms in irritation. "If that were the case, you wouldn't be drinking that."

The raven haired male rolled his eyes. "Okay you want me to tell you the damn truth, hm? I'm tired of taking care of him, he's 24 and still acts like a child."

"He's sick, how could say that?? He's traumatized and mentally ill!" 

"Brooke just fucking dumped him on us because she didn't feel like taking care of him! We were traumatized too but you don't see me staring off like a dead pig." Logan grumbled.

Carlos gestured to Logan's drink. "That's not just wine is it? I can smell the brandy on your breath! You've become an alcoholic! We process things differently."

"My problems are fixable, his are not. I say we give him back to his mother and make her deal with him." Logan crossed his arms.

"She does not have the time, otherwise she would be. It's kinda hard to take time off work when you own a whole company Logan."

James sighed. They sound like his parents. All they ever did when Logan was home was fight. Sometimes things got thrown, they'd start getting physical. Carlos hated it and hated Logan but he was too scared of being alone to do anything about it. All three of them just deteriorated slowly.

"Then send him off to the West Hills! He needs help and he's not gonna get it here Carlos." Logan suggested.

The Latino was apalled at the thought. "No! Logan he'd never forgive us, they wouldn't let James out..he's so unstable in so many places.."

Logan stood up, giving Carlos the look. "They'll help him..He keeps saying he's talking to Kendall but we both know he's dead..."

Creeek...

They both turned their heads. There was James in the doorway of his room. "Kendall's not dead.." He said softly, a bit of confusion in his voice.

Carlos sighed. "Logan make some room on the couch.." He walked over to the brunette and pulled him over to the orange couch. "Sit, we need to talk."

James sat down, his hair still a ruffled mess. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Listen James, you can't keep talking to Kendall. He's not even alive. Y-you were there when he died, remember?" Carlos spoke softly and slowly. He wanted James to understand him as best as possible. 

"B-but he's in my room-"

Logan turned toward him. "If Kendall were here, wouldn't he be in his own room. It's 2am, he'd be asleep."

"He doesn't like sleeping alone." James defended, not believing a word they said.

"No James, h-he's dead! Remember what happened on the tour bus? Think really hard and try to remember, I know you've buried it down but please.."

James thought for a moment.

Fuzzy bits and pieces here and there. He kept trying to remember.

Then it all came back to him..

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.  
.

"James give me back my beanie!" Kendall whined, trying to grab his hat.

The brunnette kept his arm over his head. "Nope, not gonna happen." 

"James!" The blonde tugged on his shirt, try to lower his arm somehow. 

Suddenly a Monopoly piece hit James in the back of the head. He dropped the beanie and whipped his head around to glare at the other two boys.

Carlos put his hands up defensively. "That wasn't me."

"It was Casper." Logan said blankly, not even trying to deny the fact he threw the game piece.

Kendall patted Logan and put his beanie back on. "Thanks Logie."

James crossed his arms. "I can't have fun with any of you."

The bus suddenly swurved to the left, causing Kendall to fall ontop of James. They both fell into the booth, causing Monopoly to go flying.

Kendall got up. "The hell??" He ran to the front of the bus to see why the driver was driving like a jackass. 

He opened the door to find the driver slumped over the wheel. James came in after him.

"Is he asleep?" The brunette asked before the bus swurved over to the right. He hit the wall face first.

Kendall pressed two fingers to the driver's neck. His eyes went wide. 

No pulse..

"He's dead.."

James looked up out the window, instant panic insued. The road ahead was coming to an end.

"SHIT WE'RE GOING OVER A CLIFF!"

"What?!?"

Before either of them could grab the wheel, the bus drifted over the cliff and fell straight down.

James hit his head against the wall, everything going black within an instant.

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.  
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"James! JAMES!"

The brunette groaned softly, a harsh pain pounding in his head. He opened his eyes, seeing blood running down his face in the reflection of some broken glass.

He tried to move but discovered he was pinned down by the seat and the corpse of the bus driver.

"JAMES PLEASE!"

James looked over, feeling his heart stop.

Kendall was dangling out the bus window over an edge of a steep chuck of the cliff. Due to how the bus fell, it had caught a ledge. It landed face down, the window area unfortunately had not been on the ledge.

He was holding onto the window divider, large shards of glass stabbing into and coming out of his hand. He held on tightly, the pain intensifying.

He tried to climb up but realized he couldn't. Too much moving out shifted weight and the bar would give in.

"Kendall oh my god!" James started to panic. His partner was dangling there, about to fall to his fucking death. He started to squirm a bit, trying to get free. He wasn't really moving himself from the trap he was in. All that movement made the front part of the bus wobble a bit.

"James stop! Relax, please." Kendall tried to speak calmly and get the brunette to stop acting so frantic. 

Then again, if James were the one hanging, he'd be the same way. 

God he couldn't bare to imagine that.

"Kendall I c-can't move!" James cried out, feeling the weight of the seat and the corpse crush his leg. He just needed to move forward a couple of inches to be able to reach him. 

Just a couple of fucking inches..

"What do I do??"

The blonde tried to swing himself upward so he could grab the window frame. The bus made a high creak and shook slightly, causing James to freak out more than he already was. He stopped, going back to hanging in defeat. He felt his arms grow heavy and tired, wanting to let go and rest at his sides. 

Though that's literally the last thing he should do.

"J-just grab the frame, I'll pull you up from there!" The brunette encouraged, straining himself as much as he could to lend Kendall his hand. He was desperate to try anything to keep Kendall from dying.

"Okay.." Kendall let go of the bar, his hands stained with his own blood, shards of glass sticking out from random spots. He reached out shakily for his boyfriend's hand, holding onto the window divider tightly with his other tired hand. 

James continued to strain his arm out, quickly grabbing the blonde's wrist as soon as it was within reach. He gripped tightly and started to pull him up, feeling Kendall's slick blood soaked skin start to slowly slip under his grasp.

Kendall let his other hand rest and tried to grab onto the window frame. His weak arm suddenly slipped underneath him, causing him to move back away from the brunette's reach. The sudden force was enough to make James's grip give out, Kendall's wrist slipping out of his grasp.. 

No..

The memory became fuzzy, James not wanting to remember what happened next. He curled up in a tight ball on the couch, hot tears already running down his face.

"No, no! I-it's not true, he's still here!" He yelled out, shaking his head.

"No he's not, he's gone!" Logan yelled back, getting irritated with James. He wobbled slightly, already at his limit for the night. "He died because you couldn't hold on.."

Carlos shoved him off. "Logan! You can't just say shit like that!" 

The brunette hugged his knees to his chest. "It wasn't my fault, it was never my fault.." He mumbled softly to himself, not sure about much right now. "Kendall's still here.."

Logan pushed the Latino back. "Keep your fucking hands off of me and let him hear the truth! It's his fault Kendall died! H-his fault we're like this!" He slurred angrily, making James feel smaller by the moment. He just wanted to shrink away and hide in the darkness of his room.

"Shut up you damn drunk! Get out if you're gonna keep pulling this bullshit!" Carlos shouted, his face reddened with anger. 

James ran out the front door as things started to get physical. He called out for Kendall as he went up to the roof, trying to prove that memory wasn't real.

There's no way he's dead.

"KENDALL! Where are you.. Kendall come out please!" James yelled out, his voice cracking slightly. He felt the tears already well up and just flopped down onto the middle of the staircase.

Everything made sense..

He curled up on the stairs, leaning his head against the wall. Kendall was gone. He's been gone. James has been talking to an empty space for the past few years now. Those soft kisses, the hugs and warm under-the-blanket cuddles, they weren't real. The times they ran up to the roof to watch the sunset, times where they'd sneak out without anyone knowing. 

It wasn't real at all..

There was a scream from 2J, interrupting his thoughts. James ran back down the stairs to see what was going on. The door was cracked slightly, light pouring into the dimmed outer hallway.

He peered in and saw Carlos ontop of Logan. Logan appeared to be struggling and kicking under the Latino, trying to get him off. Carlos stayed put, his breathing heavy and uneven. Then there was a snap, the raven haired went limp instantly, no longer moving in any way.

Oh FUCK.

James opened the door a bit more to get a better look, a harsh creak coming from the hinges. Carlos whipped his head around, his hands now visibly seen clamped around Logan's now-broken neck. 

The brunette gave him wide eyes, backing away from the door. 

"W-wait James it's not l-like that! I w-wouldn't-!" The shorter male got up to go towards James, James bolting off so he wouldn't become the next victim.

He heard Carlos calling after him in the distance but kept running towards the roof, not looking back. He opened the roof door, running outside and quickly shutting it behind him. 

He walked to edge, one of Kendall's favorite spots to sit, and watched the lights and stars flicker. The night life of L.A. was always gorgeous. James walked onto the ledge, knowing there was only one was to see Kendall.

He needed him and honestly, after what happened tonight there wasn't any reason he should stick around. All he created was issues. It's not like anyone gave a shit anyways. After Kendall died, so did the continuation of Big Time Rush. The boys tried to do it without him, they released another album about five months after the funeral and no one bought it. The few fans that did agreed it wasn't right to keep going. They boys weren't happy, nor sounded well without all four of them. Gustavo dropped the record deal a month later, giving up on something he had hoped for.

As he looked down, a small crowd was starting to form in front of the Palm Woods. People had their phones out, either taking pictures or calling the police. They were shouting, protesting the horrid thought of him jumping. He simply smiled at all of the friends and fans of his at the bottom.

At least when he died, everyone would remember him.

He turned his back to the crowd, a few screams heard from the distance, ready to fall back and let everything go.

"I'm see you soon Ken-Doll.." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"JAMES WAIT!"

The brunette opened his eyes to see Carlos running over, ready to pull him down. "PLEASE!"

James tried to steady himself and get down, at least wanting to tell the Latino his reasoning. As soon as he got down, he felt something lunge and wrap around him suddenly, pushing him off of the edge of the tall building anyways. To his shock, the something was Carlos. 

The shorter male hugged him tightly as they dropped to their death, not wanting to be left alone. Logan was dead, so was Kendall. If James was going, so should he. They'd all be together soon. 

James felt everything start to slow down around him. Everything felt okay for once. His life didn't really flash before his eyes like in the movies, it was more like a music video. Memories of the guys from age 8 of them playing hockey on the ice and knocking out Kendall's tooth with a lucky shot to them at age 16, singing and doing ridiculous shit in the Palm Woods with their friends. James didn't become a famous pop singer like he had planned, but it didn't matter. They all had each other. They could be stuck as car salesmen for the rest of their lives and it wouldn't phase them.

They had all lived their lives to the fullest and that's all they really wanted.

_________________________________________________________________

Kendall was sitting on a cloud, watching things go by. For Heaven, it was pretty boring here. It was an eternal paradise where anyone could do any fucking thing they wanted, and Kendall Knight was bored.

Usually he kept an eye on the boys. Logan recently joined so he was trying to watch the other two but things were fuzzy

Something's not right...

Kendall looked down at the soft white clouds near the entrance, seeing two figures walk into the line in front of the gate below.

"Who are they?" Logan asked, still trying to figure out how his new angel wings worked. He started to flutter, thinking he might have gotten the hang of it, and fell back on his face.

"It looks like..James??" He stood up and peered down to get a better look. Sure as hell, the brunette was down there with-

"Carlos??" Logan flew over, seeing the short Latino next to him.

"Didn't he kill you?" Kendall looked back, confused.

"I deserved it." Logan shrugged

Suddenly someone yelled, "KEN-DOLL!" and tackled the blond to the soft ground. Kendall opened his eyes and saw the floof of brown hair in his face.

"JAMIE BEAR!" The lanky male hugged his boyfriend tightly, not wanting to ever let go again.

James moved his head up, his hazel eyes staring at the blonde. He moved his hand up to his face, feeling the slight facial hair he had going on.

"That's kinda sexy." James said, smirking softly.

Kendall rolled his eyes and pushed him off. "Sex is a sin if you aren't married, you'll get booted straight to Hell." 

James got up and spread his floofy white wings out. He moved them, fascinated at the size. "These are awesome.."

"Dude don't even start." Logan rolled his eyes, fluttering his wings in annoyance.

"Logan..?"

Logan looked over, Carlos was staring at the ground. He may of thought the tears weren't noticeable, but he was crying. Tears ran down his face. Carlos didn't want to kill him, the raven-haired boy knew that. All the years of them fighting and yelling and just not getting along made him snap. 

Carlos wouldn't hurt a damn fly. 

He pulled Carlos into a tight hug. "It's okay..Los I'm not mad, hell you probably wanted to do that a long time ago. Again I deserved it."

"I second that." James added. "He's an aggressive drunk, he had it coming."

Logan flipped James off, rolling his eyes. "We all had issues, it doesn't really matter now."

Kendall wrapped his arm around James. "He has a point, we're kinda dead."

Carlos shrugged. "I'm just glad we're all back together." He smiled, pulling the other two over for a group hug. "You know we say, it's the only life you got-"

"So you gotta live it big time." They all said in unison.

____________________________________________________

**Author's Note:**

> OMFG 3866 WORDS HOLY SHIT  
> Yeah this uh..  
> This is fucking depressing. Like it wasn't supposed to be, James was only supposed to die by ODing on his meds and falling into the pool. Then I said fuck it bc the boys should all be together.  
> Is it good for my first 3K+ word fic? Comment and let me know!  
> If you didn't like it, PM me and tell me why!


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